


hurts like hell: him & i

by wingsofstarlight (CheshireCatLife)



Category: Lucifer (TV)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Angst with a Happy Ending, F/M, Identity Reveal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-27
Updated: 2018-03-27
Packaged: 2019-04-13 18:37:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 3
Words: 8,041
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14118450
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CheshireCatLife/pseuds/wingsofstarlight
Summary: Cross my heart, hope to die. To my lover, I'd never lie.





	1. Hurts Like Hell

_ ‘Chloe, I… _

_ I can’t control them.’ _

_ The laughter rings loudly in his ears; he can hear her manic denial like a knife in his chest, just as he can feel the flutter of his heaven-sent burdens weighing on his back, as light as feather and as heavy as lead. _

_ ‘I can’t make them go away’ _

_ She takes a step back, further and further until… _

_ ‘Lucifer, what’s on your back…’ _

_ He grits his teeth and bares them like a wild animal, his eyes wide open with fury. The wings stand like vipers on his back, taught and ready. _

_ ‘Lucifer…’ _

_ ‘I can’t… I can’t control them.’ She screams. She plummets. He watches. _

His hand hovered over the keyboard, poised but ever-reluctant. The pads of his fingers brushed against the heavy keys, sweat trickling down the back of his neck. His mind tormented him, ever-present thoughts teasing him, chastising him. Reminding him.

They remind him of her. They remind him that he was out of control; they remind him that...that: It was all his fault. 

He wasn’t sure how he was supposed to put it down into words, how his fingers could click down on the keys and make the words the scrambled in his mind. His mind takes his memories out of control, out of his hands. Each memory is bleaker than the last, the moment always the same but portrayed with another layer of pain until the thickness blurred the original memory to tatters. 

He hadn’t seen the light of day in weeks.

His black hair was tossed over his glistening forehead, his eyebrows crinkled in as he focused on the blaring light of the screen, his lip trembling.

_ Chloe, _

He pauses, he rewrites.

_ Detective, _

Because that’s normal. Yes, act normal. This was all normal. Just like how her screams resonated through his mind like the insistent trail of hell-smoke behind him, so pleasant to humans, so potent to him. It draws them in, wanted or not. Because he is king, ready to be followed, to be obeyed.

But the crown is a heavy burden.

His fingers darted across the keyboard with sudden fervour, a sick smile gracing his lips, an agonisingly choking laugh cracking from his throat. He’s sickened by himself, his piteous form- ungroomed and alone- hunched over the piano, his laptop open on top of the beautiful keys, poisoning the room with hell sounds.

_ I know what you must be feeling. _

But he doesn’t. This has always been the way; ever the victim, ever the Prince of Darkness. No one ever seems to recognise that he is not King. He crashed his hand against the piano keys underneath, the squeal of the high keys breaking his already ruined eardrums, the piercing scream resonating through the open doors and into the waiting arms of L.A. 

How is he supposed to do this without letting his anger take him over?

His he supposed to put this into words?

How is he supposed to write what he has never understood with a soul torn away from society and a head drifting in the clouds that hang below heaven, screaming and pleading to be let in?

_ I love you. _

He crossed it out.

_ I loved you. _

So much worse.

_ How did I lose you? _

The truth. The truth that hurt him so much. 

‘Why does this hurt so much?’ He whispers to the ghosts of the wind, his voice trailing no further than the blockade of the piano. ‘I would rather hell than this damnation. Look at me, Father.’ He hissed, his head tilted to the roof. ‘Look what you’ve made me. An abomination and a mess, all because of your STUPID LITTLE PLAN!’ He bellowed, his laptop falling from the keys and hitting the loud floor with a sickening crack, the dark notes of the piano echoing his words like a lover. 

‘Why does it hurt?’ His voice cracked, his eyes trailing down to the floor where the laptop faded to black, dead, his email burning in the fires of hell.

He falls back onto the stool with a thump, his crinkled shirt falling messily from its perfect tuck in his trousers, the pristine material stained to an odorous yellow. ‘I didn’t even want you to know.’ He hissed, images flooding into his mind irrevocably. They refused to stop, refused to let him breathe. They poisoned him with the venom that would never kill him.

He could see it: the fear, the pain. He saw her run. And he remembered the truth, the truth that felt so much worse than seeing her hurtle to the ground. His selfishness, his pride, broken as she walked into the lift, cowering onto the ground, her hands clasped over her mouth.

_ ‘This is trick, isn’t it Lucifer? This has...this has got to be trick.’ _

The tirade of memories ends with her final words, tears pooling in her teal eyes, tracks of fear discarded on her blushed cheeks. It leaves a cruel smile on his face again, his temper fading into self-violation and pity. He no longer cared for a cell in his body. He could feel it all over again. Once, he’d fallen from heaven. And now, it was time he fell from earth.

His hands folded themselves into prayer, Amenadiel’s name on his lips when…

‘ _ Lucifer, don’t be scared. This is new, for the both of us. For now, no one has to know just us.’ _

_ ‘But Detective, I’m nothing without my gregarious flair.’  _

He trembled in his seat. ‘Why am I so scared for anyone to know the way I loved you?’ His eyes fluttered to the door, his dark-brown eyes searching for the girl behind the doors. ‘I don’t think they’d understand anyway, it’s not as if I do.’ He choked on his own sob, the red rings on his eyes flaming like the fires of his palace. ‘They don’t accept me as it is. And falling for a human...to them that will always be my greatest mistake.’

_ ‘I love you, Lucifer.’ _

‘But I think it might have been my greatest accomplishment. You have to know that, Chloe. I’m self-centred, arrogant and a bastard at the best of times but you...you’re so bright that you made the Devil fall at your knees. And you loved me. I don’t think I’ve ever been happier.’ All he garnered in response was silence, the elevator doors glued shut, hiding the cowering girl behind it- still sat there from three weeks ago today. But of course she wasn’t there, of course she’d left.

But he hadn’t left, so what was the harm in pretending? He was the Devil, delusions were his mastery.

‘I think I’m going to go back now, Detective. I hope I never see you there. I don’t think I could cope with that. Goodbye. See you never.’ He huffed a laugh, tears cascading down his cheeks without mercy, sweeping away the dirt of drugs and booze that had done nothing more than leave him spinning and desperate.

‘Love you.’ He added, his eyes widening as he realised the gravitas of it all. ‘And well done, Father, you’ve won again.’ His chest burned, pain poisoning his veins until his lungs were trapped in angelic vices, his breath coming in rapid succession, the pants turning into hyperventilation until he was left hypnagogic and dizzied. And it hurt like hell.

His delusions became dreams and fought in his head like machines, wrestling him free from the torture of reality, letting him feel the soft touch of Chloe’s hand against his cheek as her lips landed on his. 

He could be clean from war with her, angels a distant memory, hell buried deep in the ground. Their hearts intertwined like lock and key until the key is jammed and the lock is breaking and everything comes crumbling down around them.

His breathing still comes rapidly and his eyes stain red, his flaming irises pooling with black, the edges of his vision blurring into oblivion. And the world turns back but all his can think is:

_ ‘I love you too, Detective.’ _

He doesn’t care that it’s stupid, he doesn’t care that it’s irrational. He loved her and he lost her. And it was: all. his. fault.


	2. Interlude

Chloe shook in her bed, violent and uncontrollably. Her eyes dance in panic as he limbs constrict into a locked cage, tears rolling down her already stained cheeks. Trixie must have been able to hear by now, her room so close, Maze too. Not that Chloe had spoken to Maze. No, not yet. Not until the nightmares had passed and the constant flames of red finally bled away from her vision.

She’d taken sabbatical already, her job so gore filled and bloody already, she couldn’t face that now. Maybe not ever. The thought chilled her to the bone.

Flashes dance in her mind, red and violence in a concoction of memory, refusing to dissipate and leave her in peace. Her tremors increased, her little girl now shaking uncontrollably above her, her dark hair falling over her chest as it curled down the little girl’s face, hiding the mask of fear that now contorted her face.

‘Mummy?’ Well of course she’d woken up, what hope was it that led her to believe otherwise?

‘I’m alright, monkey.’ Chloe choked out, another silent sob wracking her body as images flooded through her mind.

_White wings, red eyes and… ‘Chloe, I can’t control them.’_

‘Mummy, can I come in.’

‘Not right now, Mummy wants some private time.’ The door creaked open and Trixie- her doe-brown eyes wide like a deer in the headlights- stared in, her eyebrows drawing upwards as her lip trembled.

‘What’s wrong?’ Trixie rushed up to Chloe, not hesitant in throwing herself on top of her mum with a quiet thump, listening to the tremors in Chloe’s limbs, her comforting heart erratic and foreign.

‘It’s just a nightmare, monkey. You should go back to sleep.’ Trixie nodded and buried herself into her mother’s chest, closing her eyes and trying to feel at peace as the trembling ran through her own bones. ‘In your own room. Mummy needs to be alone.’

Trixie shook her head vehemently. ‘You never let me be alone when I’m sad.’ Chloe huffed out a painful laugh, a choking sob lacing its very essence. ‘You’re right, monkey, but Mummy’s going through something different-‘

‘No!’ Trixie looked up, her eyes flooding with determination. Just like...just like _him._ ‘You’re sad, I’m staying.’ She huffed, folding her arms and letting her chin fool into the crook of them, still splayed lightly over Chloe’s torso.

‘Monkey-‘ She began, running a finger down the back of Trixie’s ear, tucking away a loose strand of black hair.

‘I’m. Staying.’ Chloe nodded; any attempts now would be futile. With practised ease, Chloe wrapped her arms around her child’s back and held her close, holding in the tears that threatened to spill.

_‘I can’t make them go away.’_

Pulling Trixie closer, she hides her face away in her daughter’s shoulder, the tears streaming freely onto her daughter's flowery pyjamas, her heart beating a pace faster as the guilt flooded through her. No mother was supposed to show their child this. She was supposed to be strong, courageous, everything a mother is.

_She cowers in a corner, holding her head in her heads. ‘This is a trick...this has got to be a trick.’_

‘I’m sorry, Monkey.’ She choked out, her throat constricting against her apology, like it wasn’t meant to happen. Trixie shook her head again but didn’t look up, calmingly breathing in and out, slowly and surely, until Chloe’s began to match hers.

They both fell asleep, comforted by the source of warmth by their side.

_‘Don’t go…’_

When Chloe wakes up, it’s with a start. Trixie, seemingly awake, is shaking her chest wildly. ‘Maze said I can go to Disneyland with her! We’re going to catch a bad guy on the Ferris wheel!’ Chloe stared down her child, sleep blistering her eyes into blurriness as she blinked rapidly.

‘You’re not going to Disneyland, Trix. Not on such short notice.’

‘But mu~m!’

‘No, Trixie.’ Trixie, pouting with a huff, fled the room whilst Chloe threw her head against the pillow, muttering a quiet: ‘it’s too early for this.’ Memories flood back from the previous of the night but with the light of the sun, she shakes them off with ease. Now on the final fortnight of her sabbatical, she doesn’t have much to do with the day and tries to fill it with bits and bobs, chores and jobs, until the memories bleed from her mind.

Even Maze has learnt to stay away.

_‘Get away from me, you...you!’ The word demon never quite makes it to her lips._

Trixie was scoffing down some cereal, talking to Maze and as soon as Chloe entered, Maze stalked out of the room, sending daggers behind her. Chloe shivered, realising would have to talk this out at some point, the fear was becoming overwhelming; it was impossible to ignore a roommate for the rest of her life, especially one that was so infatuated at her child. The thought made Chloe shudder again.

‘Why are you and Maze not talking?’

‘Not now, Trix.’ Trixie fell back into her seat, overtly neglected, as she swung her feet back and forth from the breakfast stool, leaving her cereal uneaten. Chloe, looking up from the sink, finally saw the crestfallen look on Trixie’s face and could barely face mustering an apology.

‘Sorry, monkey, there’s just so much going on now. I promise I’ll sort it out soon. How about we go out today? The park sounds nice.’ Trixie’s face brightened as quick as a light bulb and she immediately chugged down her orange juice and hurtled to her bedroom to throw what was inevitably going to be a terribly un-matching outfit that Chloe would have to correct.

 _‘Detective, I really don’t think your child should be wearing purple_ _and_ _yellow in the same outfit, it’s so unflattering.’_

Chloe tried to ignore the dread in her stomach, tossing and cramping until she was sure that puke was going to escape, her hands clutching the sink vehemently. Flashes of red choked her vision like clockwork, his face flooding her mind more than reality itself.

When she finally manages to push away the images, for what feels like the millionth time that day, she retreats to the bathroom and spends less than five minutes in the shower, brushing her wet hair out and without drying it, throwing on jeans and jumper, meeting Trixie back in the living area, where Maze makes sure to flee the room once more.

‘You ready, monkey?’ Trixie nodded, a cheerful smile hiding the anguish underneath, her dark lashes dry with old tears.

‘Can Lucifer come? I miss him.’ She pouted as soon as Chloe zipped up her handbag and opened the door.

_‘Why do this again, Lucifer? You’ve lied to me enough.’ She spits at the closed doors of the elevator._

‘No, sweetie, not today. He’s busy.’ She lied through gritted teeth.

‘But you haven’t even asked.’ No longer were her eyes filled with long-gone tears.

‘I know but he’s always busy on Fridays. He’s a very busy businessman.’

‘But I thought he was your partner?’

‘Lucifer does both. He’s just that...that brilliant, monkey.’ She nodded but her face was flooded with doubt.

_‘I-’ He cuts himself off, all his usual bravado and, well, brilliance stripped until he is left raw and bloody, just like his face. It flickers behind his usual face, the ripped and shredded skin with skin hanging loosely off his hellish disguise._

‘Why are you angry, mummy?’

‘I’m not.’ She knew as soon as the words left her lips that they were a lie. What was she if she told her daughter never to lie but couldn’t help but do it so much herself. ‘I’m just- it’s just...I’ve found out a lot of things recently and I’m still processing them. Like, you find out that your friend has been saying mean things about you behind your back and it only really sets in when you’ve gone home.’ Trixie nodded, the memory still forefront in her mind- she’d lost her best-friend recently. And now Lucifer too, Chloe realised, guilt sinking like a stone in her already tumbling stomach.

‘Do you really miss him?’ She asked again, like the idea seemed absurd. Her daughter missed the _devil_ and was best friends with a literal demon. And here Chloe was thinking that she was the only victim of secrecy but she was just a long line in the naive scum that Lucifer seemed to deem humanity as.

_‘I love you too, Detective.’ He breathes. ‘I think you are enough to redeem the entirety of humanity.’ He chuckles, his eyes bright as he stares at her like you might a star in the night sky, ignorant of the consequences of the potential light._

‘I do.’ She looked crestfallen, her young face crumpling, her eyes blinking rapidly to hold in the tears. She always wanted to look strong in front of her mother, like it was supposed to be like that and not the other way around.

‘How much do you want to see him?’ She swallowed away the hope that she may say no, accepting fate. Accepting heaven and hell. Accepting the devil.

‘A lot.’ Trixie admitted, wringing her hands out nervously.

‘Would you like to see him now?’

‘But isn’t he busy?’

‘I’m sure he can make some time for us.’ Chloe smiled, pushing through the deep-rooted fear and taking a deep breath. This was just Lucifer; nothing could happen to them. Lucifer had been as good with Trixie as was possible for immortal (God, immortal, was she ever going to be able to comprehend that? Oh, should she even being saying God? Is that blasphemy?) being. Hell, (wasn’t that ironic) she’d even shot him.

_Oh fuck, she’s shot the devil._

Chloe let Trixie out first and called out behind her, mustering all the bravery she had: ‘we’re going out now, Maze, I’ll call you when we’re heading back!’ Maze’s head peered around the door, her eyes wide, pleading. As if to say: is this forgiveness? Chloe just nodded and smiled, shocked that the demon could come undone with such a slight action.

Maybe this wouldn’t be so bad after all. In fact, why should anything have changed at all?

Trixie bounded into the car and Chloe had to remind her to put on her seatbelt as she started the car and made her way through the grid-locked LA streets until they reached Lux. Oddly enough, even though it was day, all the lights were off. Staff usually milled about during day hours, even serving a few drinks to Lucifer’s friends but for all she could see, everything was on lockdown.

No man at the door, no bartender inside (the door, much to her surprise, was unlocked) and absolutely no one in the dark, lightless club.

Trixie clung to her mother’s arm like a lifeline, trembling as she glanced around the dancefloor like it was a haunted house. With no words of comfort, Chloe resorted to brushing a gentle hand through her daughter’s hair, humming quietly to fill the empty void of silence left in the club.

The elevator pinged ominously as soon as Chloe pressed the button, opening with a rusty creak to reveal what appeared to be an identical interior to the last time she was in this left.

_‘This has to be a trick.’_

And no, not just the same interior. The same…everything. In the corner, she could still see the dried sweat on the metal bannister and the nail marks where she had dug her fingers into the upholstery, just as red as the light marks on her arms- even three weeks later. No one had been here, she deduced, just as no one had left.

Keeping Trixie close, regretting the rash decision to come here, she waited for the lift to reach the top, watching as the doors rolled open with a squawk, revealing the penthouse- that, she must say, looked like a bombsite.

Glasses were strewn across every surface, half drunk liquor in many of them. Smashed glass showed the remanence of the previously clear windows into different sections of the apartment, to which were now just gaping voids of emptiness. The piano keys were titled and awkward, not capable of making any decent sound and the books, each one with seemingly military precision, opened at different pages.

_The Bible._

_A study of angels and their origins._

_The angel’s miracle: a romance story of an angel and a human by Linda Parker._

Chloe stared at the titles, briefly skimming over the pages, keeping Trixie behind her as to not read the trashy, almost smutty, final book. Her eyes, though, caught on the Bible. She would have to read it now, wouldn't she? How much of it could be trusted, though? Even now she was a believer to as much of an extent as she could be, she was still a doubter and a pessimist, it was in her nature.

‘Lucifer!’ She heard Trixie call out, her eyes still glued to the golden engraved title.

‘Lucifer!’ Her body turned like lightning to see Trixie run up to an exhausted- gaunt and faint- looking Lucifer, his entire arm burning a violent red, blood pouring onto the floor, the scabs and cuts open and unyielding. Trixie, brave as she was, wrapped her small hands around Lucifer’s forearm and stared at the injury with childish-curiosity, fear wrapping her tiny form.

Lucifer looked ready to faint, or cry, his black curls in disarray and a heavy beard now framing his chiselled face. Bloodshot eyes and booze-stench aside, Lucifer looked a mess, seemingly unwashed for days on end. Lucifer would not shower only when hell froze over.

(Wait, he really could do that, couldn’t he?)

Chloe stared at him, wide-eyed and shaken: ‘Lucifer, what happened to your arm?’

‘Why are you here, Detective.’ He ignored her in favour of staring at like she held a gun, tears brimming his red-tinted eyes, a result of the booze, not the other...disformity.

‘I- I wanted to talk.’

‘Now isn’t a good time.’

‘Something’s wrong…’

‘WELL OF COURSE SOMETHING’S WRONG.’ Trixie flinched from Lucifer’s shaking form, never quite letting go of his arm but her little fingers slipping from the rough skin whilst Chloe cowered in the corner of the room.

‘Trixie, come over here.’ She urged and her daughter did not hesitate in running over to her and wrapping her arms around Chloe’s waist. Lucifer didn’t lose his temper like this (the _devil_ did not lose his temper like this) so what had changed? What could have happened that his skin was bleeding like it had been burnt over a fire for hours and he looked so pained that his whole body was curling in on itself?

‘You’re scared of me.’ He stated, resigned and accepting.

‘I’m scared of how you’re acting. This isn’t you, Lucifer.’

‘How would you know what I’m like?’ He spat. ‘How do you know anything about me? You pushed me away and told me I was lying and then you have the nerve to come back.’

‘Lucifer, don’t take your anger out on me. What happened?’

‘Why can’t I take it out on you? It’s your bloody fault!’

‘Not in front of Trixie.’ His eyes widened just a fraction before his gaze darted to her cowering daughter. He took a step back, his arms raised above his head in surrendered, his eyes now locked on his daughter.

‘I’m sorry. I just-’

‘Just what, Lucifer? This isn’t acceptable. Not to me and certainly not to Trixie.’ Fury began to seep into her like it was natural and suddenly she forgot that this was the devil at all. This was Lucifer and dear God (or whoever else she could curse to) could she be angry at Lucifer.

‘I know.’

‘Do you?’ He nodded gently; she let out a quiet sigh. ‘What happened, Lucifer?’ She began to run a hand through Trixie’s hair, a comfort both to herself and her daughter.

‘You- you left.’

‘And?’

‘It hurt.’ He choked on his words, not out of sadness but the fear of his own emotions coming to light, as if they would only exist once he let them.

‘You have to accept that this is a lot to swallow. It’s not just going to be fixed overnight.’

‘I’m still me, Detective. Nothing’s changed.’

‘I know, but…’ She trailed off, having no excuse to follow.

‘It really is just me.’

‘Then what’s happening to your arm?’ She asked, looking him dead in the eye, her shoulders pulled back and her chest out, a sign of bravery that she didn’t know she could bring about.

‘Since...since you last came. I haven’t been able to, well, control it.’ He cast his eyes away, staring with deep intent at the grooves in the wooden floorboards, his head spinning with emotions that he didn’t know how to collect.

‘Control what?’ Trixie peeked out from behind Chloe, knowledgeable as ever that the tension had lifted just enough for it to be safe for her to come out of hiding.

‘I-’ He found himself blank at the idea of telling his story to someone so innocent and...young. But, with little on his mind but the curiosity on Trixie’s face, he knelt down so he was out her level, even if still a little taller, still halfway across the room. ‘When I was younger, around the same age as you’ in an angel’s perspective that is ‘my father told me what to do but I knew he was wrong so I told him that I didn’t like it. And, instead of telling me my mistake, he told me I wasn’t allowed to come home anymore. When I was away, something bad happened to me and I had to live in a very bad place and people came to believe that I was a bad person. So, I covered the physical things that happened to me with this,’ he motioned to himself with a smug smile, even if his eyes still told a thousand sadder tales ‘angelic body.’

Trixie rushed forward and sat down in front of Lucifer, legs crossed and her smile wide but sad. ‘Do you ever talk to your daddy anymore?’

‘No, I don’t.’

‘Good because I don’t like him.’ She huffed, folding her arms. Lucifer let a huff of a laugh and followed suit, stretching his crinkled and odorous suit as he sat cross-legged with a glimmer of a smile.

‘I’m glad you think so too.’ Enraptured by his own children’s story, he didn’t notice Chloe’s quiet footsteps become louder and louder until she herself sat cross-legged beside her daughter.

‘Is that really what happened?’ She asked, wrenching his gaze away from her daughter.

‘In simple terms, yes.’ She lunged forward, arms outstretched until they were tight around his neck, Trixie’s smaller form buried into both their sides.

‘I’m sorry, this is all my fault. I should have listened-’

‘No. You had a right to act that way. I- I shouldn’t have taken it so badly. There’s a reason humans aren’t supposed to know about the divine.’

‘Are you an angel?’ Trixie’s voice suddenly piped up. Lucifer glanced down in curiosity as to what caused such an outburst when he felt a gentle touch, somewhere so far away from his body yet so shockingly prominent in its feeling. Chloe’s eyes followed Trixie’s and watched in awe at how the pristine feathers ruffled in the gentle breeze from the open balcony.

‘What are you two-’ He turned to his back. ‘Oh.’ He paused, looking at both of them in terror, quickly adding: ‘I’m sorry, I’ll put them away. I know you don’t want to-’

‘No, keep them out.’ Chloe butted in before he could finish, her eyes round as her body hummed at the alleviating tension in the room, the glistening white like a peace offering. ‘It makes you seem less-’

‘Like the devil?’

‘No, less...like you’re hiding behind your facade.’

‘This face is what I looked like...up there.’

‘And you’re other is what you looked like down below us. At least, I think it’s below us.’ She chuckled, loosening her arms so she could face Lucifer, her hands still clasped behind his neck. Suddenly, her eyes fell soft, her gaze locking with his, Trixie’s humming just a background noise as the child’s fingers ran through his wings like it was fur. ‘Why were you upset when I left, Lucifer?’

‘You don’t realise how long I was waiting to tell you and then...then I told you like that. It was my fault you reacted that way. There was no warning. I was scared, you were scared. It was just so- pathetic.’

‘So you locked yourself up in the penthouse for three weeks?’

‘Yeah. I mean, it seems you haven’t been at work either.’

‘How did you know?’

‘I just meant today but…’

‘Oh, no. I took leave. I- I couldn’t face going back to work and…’

‘Knowing that I was the devil? The one who brings all evil?’

‘ _Well,_ ’

‘Look, Detective, you’ve heard everything I’ve said, even if you didn’t believe me. I’ll go through the list once more. 1, my dad’s a dick. 2, yes, my dad is god. 3, I _was_ an angel. 4, I’m the devil. 5, no, I do not control people’s wills, I punish evil not cause it. And last of all, number 6, I, the devil, have fallen in love with a human (and, by the way, having my children will not cause the apocalypse.)’ He chuckled, a small, true, smile forming on his beautiful face, the milky skin covering up the burns underneath, as Chloe blushed and tried to ignore the insinuations of the words ‘my children’.

Chloe smiled back up at him, leaning forward as slowly as she could, leaving him time to run if he had to before their lips brushed and she thanked him for his patience with her all in a single kiss. ‘I’m sorry.’ She whispered against his lips.

‘All is forgotten.’

‘Mummy and Lucifer are kissing!’ Trixie suddenly shouted, nowhere in sight. Panicked, Chloe fell away from Lucifer, her eyes darting in hopes of catching where her daughter was hiding when, with a grin, Lucifer unfurled his wing, revealing Trixie who was- rather naughtily- peeking around it to see the adult’s do there ‘kissy thing that means they’re in love’.

‘Now, small human, spying isn’t very nice.’

‘Are you and mummy going to get married?’

‘Oh, well-’

‘Am I going to have a little sibling?!’

‘Um, I have to say-’

‘Are you going to be my new daddy?!’ Lucifer seemed frozen in place, a caricature of his usual fear of children. Chloe just watched, and waited, to see if any words would ever spill out of his mouth.

‘Maybe so, little human. But, for now, you have Detective Douche for a dad and I am still happily enjoying the bachelor- if now monogamous- life.’

‘What does monogamous mean?’ He only sighed, vouching to ignore her butchering of the word monogamous.

‘Ask your father.’

‘Okay!’ Trixie shouted and Lucifer let out a sigh of relief and lifted an arm to bring Chloe closer to him. ‘Are you sure about this?’ He asked as soon as she had curled herself into his side, Trixie now rampaging through her backpack for her colouring instruments and got to work on her newest drawing.

‘Of course I am.’

‘I’m the Devil, Detective. Probably not exactly dating material.’

‘I think you’ve shown so far that you are.’

‘Are you saying I’m forgiven.’

‘Oh, not. At. All.’

*

His first day back at the precinct didn’t go entirely to plan. The hustle and bustle of the station was already too much for his now sensitively tuned ears. Someone, he couldn’t even recognise who, was debriefing him on the latest case whilst his mind watched the people fly and zoom past like bees in a hive. His eyes darted manically and for a second, he wondered if maybe, just maybe, he’d finally gone a little too far on the drugs.

But he hadn’t had any in weeks.

‘Lucifer?’ He caught the person’s voice as it cut away the noise; Chloe, the other person seemed to have disappeared, stared at him, her arms crossed but her eyebrows furrowed worriedly. 

‘Sorry, Detective, what were you saying?’ He masked his confusion with a smile, tucking his hands into the pockets of his now pristine Armani suit. 

‘Nothing but you’ve been standing here for the better part of an hour staring at the wall. Is something wrong?’

‘Oh, no. Just a little-’

‘Away with the fairies?’

‘I was going to say distracted but that will do.’ He shrugged.

‘Lucifer, go home. You can start on the next case when you get back. Since I’ve been on leave too, I’m only helping out myself.’

‘I’m fine, Detective. You could use my help.’

‘Not in this state, I don’t. If you don’t want to go home, go see Trixie, she’s off school today, said she was feeling sick. But, I have a feeling she wants to see you.’

‘Why would she want to see me?’ Lucifer asked, his face contorting in confusion as a gentle smile quirked Chloe’s lips up.

‘Just go to her, Lucifer.’ Under strict orders, he accepted and left Chloe at the station to get into his Corvette and drive to the Detective’s house, hoping Maze wouldn’t be there- she would never let him get away with the fact that he was actively going to visit his partner’s child.

Rather dangerously, he swung into the parking spot and jumped out his car, effortlessly walking up to the front door and knocking. The girl who answered could have only been in her teens, her blonde hair tucked into a messy bun, a pencil stuck awkwardly behind her ear- a student from the looks of it. ‘And who are you?’ He flirted, putting on his best ‘desire’ face- flirting was no harm as long as nothing came of it, right? It would take him a while to get used to this whole monogamous thing.

‘I’m Lucy.’ She smirked, leaning on the doorframe seductively. Lucifer did his best to push the images from his mind when he asked: ‘I’m here for Trixie, can I come in.’

‘Oh, of course!’ Her eyes widened like she had forgotten that she was babysitting at all, or that’s what Lucifer hoped she was doing. ‘Trixie, you have a visitor!’ She called out.

‘LUCI!’ Trixie squealed as soon as she came out her bedroom, rushing towards the babysitter, who seemed rather confused that the little girl was suddenly taking an interest in her, until she passed her and forced herself around Lucifer’s waist.

‘Lucifer Morningstar.’ He greeted as the girl’s odd look, he’d rather not be known as Luci but the nickname had unfortunately stuck. The babysitter nodded, looking a tad confused at the man with the devil’s name just randomly appearing on the doorstep but seemed to accept the situation as soon as Lucifer dismissed her, telling her she could check with Chloe if that was okay.

Once it was just Lucifer and Trixie left, the girl seemed to relax a little, although still clinging to Lucifer’s waist like a lifeline. ‘Okay, little human, you can get off me now.’ Trying not to be too horrible and sending the girl away from him by force, placing his hands gently on her shoulders and encouraging her to let go.

‘Did mummy send you?’ Trixie asked, her eyebrows furrowing, confused.

‘The Detective said I could go home or come here and I thought you might like to see me.’ Lucifer smiled, watching as the little girl’s face lit up.

_ ‘Luci!’ The little girl screams, running up to him and falling into Lucifer’s lap, her arms around his waist. ‘Did mummy send you?’ _

_ ‘Of course, I’m here off my own accord, Rami. I thought we could spend the day together.’ _

_ ‘Ya~y! I love you, Luci!’ Ramiel squealed, her little face lighting up in delight. _

Trixie’s eyes suddenly widened and she darted across the room, running back with a crumpled piece of paper in her hands. ‘I drew you!’ Lucifer unravelled the piece of paper and looked at the childish drawing of him with his wings taking up most of the page but another thing appeared to stand out. His eyes were, well, bright red. The devils. ‘I made sure to put both versions of you in there, look at your arm!’ She pointed to the red crayon at the bottom of his forearm, a violent scribble but still such a vital part of the drawing. 

‘Thank you, Beatrice.’ He could only be glad that she didn’t see his devil face in its entirety, he already felt bad enough that he had to see his arm, which was still protruding violently from under his mask.

_ ‘Luci, Michael called me weak!’ _

_ ‘Of course you’re not weak, Rami. Michael just wants you to think he’s better than you.’ _

_ ‘Is he.’ _

_ ‘Of course not. You know why?’ _

_ ‘Why, Luci?’ _

_ ‘Because, if we had a fight right now, you would win. And you know they call me the strongest.’ He grins and Ramiel, the angel of hope, grins back. _

_ ‘You really mean that, bro?’ _

_ ‘Of course I do, I would never lie to you.’ _

‘Can you cook me something?’ Trixie piped up, the grin widening as she eyes the bag of groceries in Lucifer’s hand.

‘Just what I was planning.’ Lucifer looked down at the girl, blinking away the wistful sorrow in favour of unpacking the grocery bag and beginning to make a french steak with potatoes and peas- only just sophisticated enough to be acceptable but also suitable for a child. He tried to ignore the giggling girl as she followed him around the kitchen, asking whether she could hold the pan or chop the potatoes. He tried to ignore the memories flooding through him.

_ ‘I’m never going to leave you, Luci.’ _

He sighed.

_ ‘Michael, you’re with us right? You’re joining Lucifer in the fight.’ _

_ ‘What? And stop calling him Luci, his name is Samael.’ _

_ ‘But are you? Are you joining the fight?’ _

He shut his eyes, trying to forget the innocent eyes peering up at him.

_ ‘But I didn’t know, Luci! I thought he was going to help us!’  _

He should have known not to trust a child.

_ ‘Luci!’ She screams as he plummets to Earth and beyond, screaming because she knows it’s all her fault. _

‘Lucifer, are you okay?’ Trixie asked as the steak began to burn, the sizzling turning to spitting until it was tearing through the cotton of his sleeve.

‘Oh, of course! Never better. How would you like your steak? No, ignore that. You don’t know anything about steak, do you?’ She shrugged. ‘Thought so. I’ll make the best steak you’ve ever tasted.’

‘Yay! Thank you, Lucifer.’ 

~Never trust a child.

~Never love a human.

What was he turning into? He was breaking rule after rule, tearing them from his own book and destroying all the fortifications he had built up for himself. He took in a shaky breath and let it out as slowly as possible, calming his jumpy nerves, trying to think of the present. Trixie would not do anything to him- she held none of his secrets and had no one to tell. Apart from who he really was.

But wasn’t he telling everyone that already?

Rami made a mistake but she was the angel of hope, maybe Lucifer should start taking that into account. She hoped Michael was on her side. She hoped that they wouldn’t hurt Lucifer. She hoped that their parents’ fighting was going to end and all was going back to normal.

And although little humans, children as they were known, still were an enigma to him, there was nothing he should be afraid of. If anything, he should be happy to know someone so innocent. Maybe she could set an example.

He huffed out a laugh. Following a child as an example, he’d really torn those pages out, hadn’t he?


	3. Him & I

‘Lucifer?!’ Chloe called out, shutting the front door behind her. Her eyes scanned the dimly lit room, the dimmer switch barely above off, the living room shrouded in darkness, hiding the blank silhouettes on the sofa. ‘Lucifer!’ She hissed quietly, trying to garner his attention but was only met with the small swirls of black raising up and down, what she could only assume was the deep intakes of breath that came with sleep.

Approaching him carefully, she was surprised to see Trixie splayed awkwardly across his chest, her hair tickling his neck as she pressed her ear to where the gentle thrum of his heart played its gentle tune. Chloe knelt down, placing a gentle hand on Lucifer’s shoulder, wondering what could have been done to make them fall asleep so early- the clock barely past seven in the evening- and tried to wake him up. To an extent, she was successful, the loud groans escaping from his mouth far too innocent for her heart. But, with his loud shuffles, Trixie’s own bleary eyes opened.

‘Mum?’ She whispered, blinking rapidly.

‘Yeah, it’s me, Monkey. How about we take you to your bed?’

‘No.’ She spoke stubbornly, her eyebrows drawing crossly inwards. ‘I wanna stay with you and Luci.’ Lucifer, his eyes barely cracking open, hummed happily at the child’s antics, bringing a gentle hand up to his neck and swiping away the hair, his hand moving forwards until it was dragging through her tatty locks.

‘Since when did you get so good with children?’ Chloe chuckled, watching the two with fascination.

‘Since I realised that it was stupid to be so afraid of them.’ He replied seriously and for a fraction of a second, Chloe reeled back in shock. Correcting herself, she looked down at Lucifer worriedly, bringing a gentle hand up to his chest, right by her child’s head. 

‘Scared?’

‘My little sister, I never saw her grow up-’

‘Is she-?’

‘No, very much alive.’ She smiled gratefully. ‘But, as a child, she betrayed me. It wasn’t her fault. She was young. But- I stopped trusting children.’ He paused, staring down at the child balancing on his chest, her eyes already fluttering closed again. ‘Innocence is only what comes before sin.’

‘I’m sorry.’

‘There’s nothing to be sorry about.’

‘What about shooting you in the leg?’

‘Okay, maybe you should be sorry about that.’ He smirked, still in the stupor of sleep. 

‘Come on Monkey, let’s get you to bed.’ Chloe suddenly urged Trixie, wishing for some time to talk with Lucifer alone. The little girl was barely awake enough to nod or shake her head when Chloe took her into her own arms and brought her to her room, tucking her in with a kiss to the head before joining Lucifer on the sofa, her eyes finally adjusted to the shadows of the room.

‘So me and the devil are a...thing?’ She began, staring at the wall timidly.

‘Yes, as you so eloquently put, a  _ thing _ .’ 

‘And you’re the devil?’

‘Have I ever lied to you?’ She shrugged. ‘Well then, Detective-’

‘You can call me Chloe, you know?’

‘Okay,  _ Chloe _ , let me begin with this. Cross my heart and hope to die, to you, my love, I’d never lie.’ 

‘Never?’

‘Never ever.’ He grinned, his pearly white teeth showing like the Cheshire Cat. ‘And you?’

‘I’ll try.’ She admitted, suddenly picking at her nails, unable to promise anymore. She was human after all, probably the greatest liars of all; demons were honest in the cruelty whilst angels were honourable in the righteousness, humans- so in between both- were so susceptible lies, like insects to honey. 

‘That’s all I’ll ever ask.’ He stated kindly, bringing up a hand to her head and bringing her down to her shoulder, relishing in the familiarity of the tousled hair in the crook of his neck.

‘Am I crazy? I mean, I thought you had problems but now…’

‘You’re realising that maybe I was always telling the truth.’ 

She hit him on the chest. ‘Don’t sound so smug.’ 

‘Don’t worry, Chloe, you’re not crazy. I mean, probably not best to mention the whole going out with the devil thing.’

‘Perhaps.’ She smirked.

‘I think it’s time my lovely lady to ask you the vital question.’

‘Please don’t tell me you're proposing.’

‘Of course not! But, I would like to ask if you would like to go on a date with a certain devilish young man?’

‘You’re not young.’

‘Okay, fine, take out the young. But…?’

‘Of course I will.’ She stated as if it were simple, as if being asked on a date by the devil was an everyday thing. Well, for some people it probably was- or, at least, the sleeping with him part.

‘Just you and me? No cases, no work, no ex-husbands…’ For the first time in the conversation, he sounded truly unsure.

‘Always.’ He smiled and she couldn’t resist but giving him a wide grin back, burying herself further into his side. ‘I want to see them again.’ She suddenly blurted, her gaze caught between his shoulder blades.

‘See what?’

‘The wings. I want to see them.’

‘I’m not sure if that’s such a good idea…’

‘No secrets; no omissions; no hiding.’ He sighed, giving in with little persuasion, he wings bursting into the room, cutting through the fine fabric of the sofa, perched gently over the span of the room, once curled protectively around Chloe’s side like that was its natural placement, not an awkward curve of straight bones. 

‘I don’t understand why you tuck them away, they’re beautiful.’

‘And a burden.’

‘How so?’

‘I cut them off. My father put them back. They feel like a burden.’ He admitted, his voice confident but ever so strained as he refused to meet her eyes. Carefully, she placed her fingers on his cheek and forced his gaze to hers.

‘Even if this was your father (oh God, your father _ is  _ God),’ she shook her head, trying to ignore his gentle laugh, ‘that doesn’t change their beauty. They really are beautiful.’

‘Only my wings?’ He teased. 

‘Of course not, all of you.’ She admitted, a blush staining her cheeks a dark red. Silence fell with ease as their chests began to beat to the same rhythm as their chests fell at the same steady pace, both stuck in the entrancing hypnagogic state of almost sleep. 

For now, in the peace of the room, they could pretend that they weren’t in the eye of the storm. They tried to ignore the whirlwind around them. Because maybe, just maybe, they could stay where they were. Maybe,  _ just maybe,  _ they wouldn’t get caught up in the strong winds and sucked into the next heartbreaking plan. Maybe, just.maybe, they could be their own little family, tucked away in each other’s embrace on a tattered sofa forever, her little girl only a few metres away. 

Because, for a second, she realised that there was no point in living with him away from her. She was strong, she was independent but without him, she knew she would be left empty. He had grown in her heart, unwanted like a mould, and she knew she’d done the same. They were intertwined by red string. 

And string was always destined to snap. But that didn’t mean their grips would ever loosen.

There, in that moment, she didn’t know what she’d hesitated at all. In her mind, and only there, she whispered: cross my heart and hope to die, to my lover, I’d never lie.

Because, even if this love is crazy and I’m out of my mind, now it’s you and I, right until the end of time.

_ Samael, God’s most beautiful creation, passionate in all his actions, had finally fallen. Fallen into the depths of the despair and right back up again: falling into the arms of love. _

**Author's Note:**

> Find me on my [ Tumblr ](http://cheshirecatlife.tumblr.com), [ Wattpad ](https://www.wattpad.com/user/CheshireCatLife) or [ Instagram! ](https://www.instagram.com/_cheshirecatlife/)
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